| Jul. 16th, 2004 @ 08:37 pm chocolate chip cookies |
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wow! it was been such a long time since i have written in this thing. what the fuck have i been doing for so long. oh yeah, i rememeber... getting married. listen guys, for all of you out there that think getting married will solve all of your problems, then wait.. please stop, you are wrong! to be quite honest though, i seriously doubt that there are any people out there that think that because i think that i was the only moron to actually make myself believe that shit. thank God that i woke up and realized what the hell i was doing. i realized a lot. things were hard and i broke some hearts, as i have done before, but all in all i believe that it has worked out for the best. i am finally getting to be that old girl again. i dont know exactly what happened to me or where i went wrong, or for that matter where i have always gone wrong, but the good news is is that i am taking control. first of all, i am alone... something that i have never done well. i havent been alone in lets say 5 years... and guess what...it sucks. but, i believe that it is something that everyone needs to know how to do and that is what i am doing. secondly, somewhere between breaking hearts, fucking up, and not getting married i lost my passion for the greatest thing in life... the only thing in life that to me at this point matters... music. now, i live off of music.. i taste it, breathe it, smell it, feel it, and whatever else you can think of to do to it. it has become my life. i love it. thirdly, i got all caught up in career shit that i tried to make myself think that i would like just because it made more money then what i really really wanted to do and have wanted to do since i was little. i remember those days sitting back in my grandparents back bedroom and making up my imaginary students names. i remember writing the lesson of the day on the chalk board and giving pop quizzes. i was a teacher back then and i was meant to be a teacher today. the thing is though that teachers dont make shit for money but the good news is that i have realized through being engaged and a lot of other shit that has happened throughout my lifetime that no matter how much money you have you cant be happy. also, just so you will know.. no matter how wonderful someone treats you, you cant force yourself to love them... it just doesnt work like that. but back to the teacher things... money doesnt matter.. being happy is what counts. i would rather be happy and live in a cardboard box then be a millionaire with a fancy house and everything i could only dream about and be miserable. so that is my thoughts for the day and for the rest of my life...in saying all of that, my point is is that i was going to school in the beginning to be a teacher and then my life went crazy, i became a different person, and i thought that i would go into a different field that made more money (even though i knew that i wouldnt like the job i would have after i finished school) so, now since i am trying my best to get things straight i thought that i would be the first to tell you that i am going back to school to be a teacher... yes! a teacher... something that i know will make me happy and that i will love doing for years and years... something that i will look foward too each morning instead of something that i dread doing, like so many people of this great nation do.. so congratulations to myself. i am a star.. sounds like a damn budlight commercial if you ask me but whatever.
IN CLOSING: if i were you though, which i am not, but if i was then i would ponder on the question of life whenever you get a chance... what is life?... what is its purpose?...whenever you think you know the answer then get back to me on that... i am interested to know what you (the people) think. thanks for listening. |
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